The Love that Should Have Been
by Secret Heart33
Summary: Takes place after series 2. Cassie is living in New York and has created a new life. She is not happy with her life, in love with someone that seems unobtainable. Presented with a possibility to change it all, Cassie can either take a risk or stay in her safe little world.


_AN: I have been working on this for a while now. My friend Dan wanted me to write a Cassie/Chris pairing, which I think is a genius idea! I have to thank him for the pairing suggestion that produced this is a really mild story. It switches from Cassie point of view to an author's point of view. Comments, reviews, and questions are welcome! I hope you enjoy!_

_ Synopsis: After the end of series 2 of the UK version of Skins, Cassie finds herself in New York living a new life. She is in love with Chris, but is conflict by her emotions and what she thinks she should do. In this version Chris never dies. (trying not to give to much away) ENJOY! _

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The Love that Should have Been

(Chris did not die)

POV: Cassie

I heard the bell ring over the diner door, announcing the arrival of a new customer. I looked to the door hoping to see a brightly colored friend I had left behind just a few days ago. At least I had hoped I had left him behind, but he seemed to follow me where ever I went. I saw him in crowds and every time I closed my eyes, but it was never really him. I sent out a postcard to Sid. I hoped that he would see it or at least hear about and come find me. Every time I looked up though he was not there and I just went back to clearing tables, a fake smile plastered on my face. The bell rang again, but I didn't bother looking. I knew it would not be him. Then I heard it, a familiar voice.

"Cassie…"

I looked up to find Sid looking at me with that goofy look he gets when he is unsure of himself. I simply smiled lightly and looked back at him. That was all the permission he needed to hug me. If he knew me at all he would have known my smile was fake. He would have known that I did not leave because of him, but because of HIM. Because of Chris.

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**One Year Later**

"Oooooh! Fuck!...Cassie….Fuck! Grab my balls!" Sid bellowed.

I just laid there. He was too concentrated on himself to notice the absence of my pants and screams and did not really care if I followed his suggestions. He said he just thought they made everything more "intense". I figured he would be done soon any way, it only took him about thirty seconds to get off. He smelled like fries and cheetos, which was strange. We hadn't had cheetos since last week, unless he bought them last night on the way back from work. What was that earlier when he kissed me? I ran my tongue across the roof of my mouth. Hmmm, Nutella. So that's where the last bit went, not that it mattered. I do not really like food. Maybe I should make a cake. That could be fun! I could make fun little swirly decorations. It would look great on the sill, a perfect place for a cake in a kitchen. Hmmm…I am going to need eggs and milk and flour and… That is when I noticed Sid was still thrusting on top of me. He should have been done by now. I looked behind his head to the clock that was just behind him. Wow! Almost a full forty-five seconds! He's improving. I felt like congratulating him, but not. I looked to his face, just about to give him a congratulatory smile, not that he would notice, when his face suddenly scrunched up. He came. Soon after her rolled off me, breathing heavily, he reached over me to grab a spliff off the night stand. He lit up and slowly puffed it, occasionally passing it off to me. Once it was gone, he rolled onto his side, facing his back to me. I spent the rest of my night trying to pretend that the back of Sid's head was Chris's. They kind of looked the same. Their hair was kind of the same color and shape, well if you squinted your eyes and stared to let your eyes fully unfocuse. Okay they look nothing alike. With that I closed my eyes and let my mind fill in the gaps.

I woke to the sun shining in my eyes. I looked to Sid, his face scrunched up against his pillow as he mumbled occasionally. A gummy bear was stuck in his hair. I wonder how it got there and why I hadn't noticed it earlier. He had another hour before he had to leave for work. He'd probably find the lone bear by then. I slipped a t-shirt over my head, before padding bare foot to the kitchen. I went about my usual routine; filling the tea kettle and making toast. As I waited for the kettle to let out its customary wistle I let my mind wander. I found myself thinking of him, of Chris. I wondered what he was doing now. I wondered if I stayed if things would be different, if I had just told him I liked him, no, that wasn't right, that I loved him. With that last thought the kettle whistled, signaling Sid to come out to the kitchen, slightly ruffled. He grabbed toast, as I poured him a cup of tea, and he soon after took it, sitting at the table. Sid watched me as I nibbled half heartedly at my toast, perched on the counter's edge.

"I'm going out for a pint after work with the rest of them." Sid said, his mouth full.

I quickly snapped out of my daze and gave a weak smile as I said "Yeah….cool."

With that he got up and kissed me on the cheek, leaving crumbs, before he left for work. We had been like this for a while now, so disconnected. I think we both knew things had not been working out for a while now. Neither one of us really wanted to admit it though. We had this routine and it worked. We were so comfortable it did not make sense to change it. So we just went through the motions, wake up, make breakfast, kiss, go to work, come home, kiss, eat dinner, watch tv, fuck, and go to sleep. All we had to do was follow the routine and everything would be okay. We could make it, like really make it. We would never have to be alone. Eventually , just maybe I could forget about Chris because that's what it was all about. If I could just forget about Chris it would be okay. Maybe then I could happy. I could feel alive again.

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AU:

Around noon the mail came. It was the only thing Cassie looked forward to during the day. She flipped through it while walking through the apartment, throwing junk mail behind her as she went. She suddenly stopped in her path. A pink envelope was softly gripped in her hands. She could have sworn she recognized the hand writing, but was not sure. Her eyes greedily swept over the envelope for more information. Upon seeing that the postage was from England, Cassie dropped the rest of the mail on the ground, turning the envelope around and ripping it open. She read the letter greedily. Cassie had been waiting this for a while now. A reason to breathe again and live, something that would stir some sort of emotion from within her. Michel was planning a reunion of their group of friends. Everyone was invited from their old days in university. Cassie clung the letter to her chest, as if by doing so she would somehow be hugging her friends from, what seemed like, so long ago. Sid and Cassie had not talked to any of them in such a long time. She missed them all. More specifically, she missed Chris. At that realization she let her hands slowly fall. Cassie felt so conflicted inside. On one side she wanted to see him, her whole body craved it. On the other side, she dreaded the idea. There were too many questions and possibilities. What if he was happy? Was he still with Jal? Did they have a kid together? Or five? Then there was Sid, she could not just leave him at the drop of the hat. They could still work. She had not given her whole self over to her and Sid's relationship. She had not given it her all because she had been so focused on Chris. Chris was not a guarantee, but Sid was. Sid was there and present. Sid was real. Chris was just a figment of Cassie's imagination. She could not stand flying back to England just to have her heart fully broken. Cassie still had one sliver left. A spark deep within that billowed with thoughts, memories, and dreams of Chris. It made her heart contract, her wake up every morning, her lungs slowly fill and empty, and even made her eat. She could not let that spark die. Then everything would be ruined. She would not be able to be with anyone. With that final thought, Cassie placed the note on the table and left for work.

Cassie went about her day as she would any other day, filling orders and flashing the occasional smile when necessary. She still worked at the small little dinner that Sid found her in just a year ago. Sid thought it was cute that she had stayed there. He always thought she had kept working there because it was where they had found each other again and rekindled their relationship. He did not know that Cassie secretly fantasized that that day had never happened. She fanaticized that Sid had walked past the dinner that day and had never found her. She wished that she had remained lost in the jungle of a city known as New York. She liked to believe that the text messages that were sent to her by a different brunette boy had been sent out of more than friendly concern. That those text messages were sent with a secret underlining meaning, that they meant I love you. While shuffling around in the dinner Cassie could pretend Sid went back to England, allowing Chris to know she was not taken. This let her believe Chris took a plane to come find her and any day he would find her. With these thoughts Cassie would feel more hopeful than she had in all her life, but every time the bell rang over the door, announcing the arrival of someone very much not Chris, her heart would ache.

Today was different than all the other days. The letter brought back all her insecurities and all her faults. It made her rethink her decision to leave. It made her think she should have told Chris about her feelings or at least have left a note. Cassie couldn't lie to herself today. She knew what path she had chosen. She knew that letter was her last hope, but she was still so afraid of Chris saying no and hurting her like Sid had. She dragged through work, not being able to find a smile and miss placing orders right and left. She was lost and did not know what to do. She felt like she was trapped on a tilter world that wouldn't stop spinning. Finally the customer at table 23 stopped it, placing a comforting hand on hers.

Cassie had spilled a cup of coffee all over table 23. She quickly grabbed a towel and began to wipe it up.

"I am so sorry George! I'll get you a new one." Cassie said.

"Oh that's okay my girl," placing a hand a top her's , a warm smile spreading across his face well worn face, " I have already had three. You saved me from having to drink a fourth. Know what I could really use?"

"A clean shirt?" Cassie replied looking apologetically at George's sleeve.

"Ahhh! Nah! Got a dozen like it at home. Nothing really special about it. I could use a good talk with my favorite waitress, though."

With that, Cassie softly smiled and sat down. George was a regular and knew the owner really well. If he was seen talking to a waitress or another employee, an eye was turned the other way.

"So what's bothering you kido? You're not your usual sunshiney self."

"Oh nothing really George. Well nothing of importance."

"But it is important if it made you spill a cup of coffee, mistaken a tuna melt for a patty melt, and not even notice my new bowtie. You always notice my bowties. That is why I sit here after all." He joked towards the end.

Cassie looked up, inspecting the tie, "oh! Wow! Spaceships, I should have seen that one."

"Thought I for sure I would out do the socks you normally wear today. Was sure I had it, but at last you got me." He said, looking admiringly at her socks, covered in gymnast ants.

"I don't know George. Your bow tie is quite lovely. The best one really. Are you sure you don't want another coffee? I could totally get it for you. It is just like right over there." She looked to the side, ready to leave the booth.

George put his hand on Cassie's, again, stopping her movements and drawing her attention back to him.

"No dear, I am okay, but are you? I won't tell anyone and no one is paying attention." He states motioning to the diner. She follows his hand and sure enough no one is paying attention. Everyone is to engrossed in their food or doing their job to look anywhere but where they are or are headed.

Cassie plays with her hands before beginning slowly, "Well you see there is this boy…..and he's like out there and I am like here. He's with this girl you see and he like maybe sort of likes her or, honestly, loves her and even if he didn't I am like here and that's like nowhere near there. But I like really hopelessly love him, but he couldn't possibly know because I am here. So I am like lost in this mess where I can't like think of anyone else, which is like beautiful in a tragic sense. But I am totally like with someone else who totally doesn't even know. And I got this letter you see and it totally ruins everything because all I can think of is him, which is wrong because I am with him and not HIM, but I could like go see him, but I would like have to leave him, but I can't because they don't know. And he's like with her and I'm totally with him and it can't work."

George sat there for a few moments, letting Cassie's confession sink in. His eyes moved down staring deeply into his coffee cup, as if contemplating something. Just as Cassie about to get up to leave, George's eyes returned to her's and he began to speak.

"I knew a girl once. Her name was Marian. I use to work at the docks and this one day a beautiful girl dressed in a white summer dress was walking along where I was working," He smiled as he continued. " I had not really looked her over before roughly telling her to 'move it toots.' Oh! Did she have spit fire!" George chuckled lightly. "She turned on me quickly asking me if I owned the dock or something. Our bickering continued until we finally looked at one another, really looked. I was stunned speechless, believing I was talking to an angel. I do not know what she saw in me, but bickering turned into flirting, until she was called away by a man in a similarly colored suit. All she had time for was to give me her name. I almost forgot about her until she suddenly appeared a few days later. From then on we were inseparable. We'd meet up at a diner nearby and then dance the rest of the night away. As time passed I found myself falling for her. The night I planned on telling her she brought a male friend and a girl with her. She danced with him the whole night." His face fell at this confession. "I walked her home, her arm laced in mine. She kept bring him up the rest of the night, asking me what I thought of him. She seemed so happy and animated that when she asked me if something was wrong, noticing how quiet I was, I said 'nothing.' I did not tell her how I felt. Marian brought him by a few more times. I couldn't stand it watching them together, so I began to distance myself more and more from her. She married him. His name was Stan. They moved to Chicago soon after. She found me at the docks the day she was going to leave. She hugged me goodbye and tears fell down her face as she said her final goodbye. I thought in that moment I should say something, that I 'loved her', but the words got stuck in my throat. Instead I told her to take care of herself and to have a nice life. A year later I found a woman worth marrying named Grace. Grace was beautiful, smart, and kind, but she was always second to Marian in my mind. I made sure she felt like she was number one, though. We had two kids together and a long marriage. For Marian things went differently. I saw her a year after my marriage. She found me at the docks one Saturday morning. She was in for a week visiting family. I thought I was over her until I heard her voice tentivly say my name. All the feelings I had locked away came flooding back. That's when I knew we were made for each other. We went to our normal diner and she talked about her life in Chicago and Stan. I told her about Grace and that she was expecting. Marian appeared to be happy for me, but there was something off. I think she knew it to, but neither one of us could place what it was. We finally reminisced about old times. Then she left and I never saw her again. We wrote to each other every month for a few years, but, like all things, that faded and ended. Every day I worked at the docks I thought and hoped I would one day look up and see her standing there over me in that white dress, but she never came. Some nights I would think of the times I could have told her I loved her, but didn't and wished I could go back. I occasionally, when Grace wasn't around, I thought about going to Chicago, but could never stomach leaving Grace or my two boys behind. It just wouldn't have been right. Then my mind would go to Stan and think well what if she is happy? What if they have kids together? Again I couldn't stomach breaking up a family, or two, for selfish reasons. Time passed and Grace and I grew older. Ten years ago Grace was diagnosed with cancer. She fought for a good five years before she finally passed away." George paused for a moment before continuing, his voice now strained. "On her death bed Grace told me she knew she was my second choice. She knew my heart belonged to Marian that she always had since the first time I had spoken of Marian. That every time I had gotten a letter from Marian she thought I might leave her and our boys. I tried to console her and tell her it wasn't true, but she knew I was lying. She told me it was nothing to be ashamed of; I had done right by her and thanked me for staying. With her last breaths she told me to find Marian and finally tell her how I felt. She made me promise I would no matter what. I kissed her one last time, promising I would. I don't know why, but I waited a year before going to Chicago, still feeling unsure and guilty. It was easy to find Marian's house. When I knocked on the door I was greeted by a young girl, about twenty years of age. She said her name was Georgia and she asked me if I was George. I said yes and quickly realized who I was talking to, she looked so much like her mother. She told me Marian had been waiting for me for a while. There something weird about the way she was acting, but she wasn't giving anything away. She invited me in. We sat in the living room as we drank ice tea. After a few minutes of sitting in silence she finally told me. Marian had passed away just a few months ago. Marian had accidently overdosed on some pain medication. I couldn't fully comprehend what I had just been told, but there was no time for that. There was more Georgia had to tell me." At this point in George's tale, tears were visible in his eyes. " Apparently Marian had felt the same way I had and had felt that way since we met that day on the dock. She had thought I wasn't interested and had gotten married to Stan. Her marriage to Stan had failed a few years after seeing me again. It was destined to Georgia said. She said that Stan was an alcoholic and would yell at Marian, blaming everything on her. Finally one night He snapped and hit Marian; she left the next day. Marian found out she was pregnant with Georgia soon after and chose to raise her all by herself. Marian dated a few guys after Stan, but none of them lasted. The last one wound up being like Stan and left her with permanent damage to her back, which she took pain killers for when the pain became too much to bare. Finally Georgia told me about the bed time stories that Marian use to tell her, about a man named George, Georgia's name sake, and her running through New York, imagining that they ran the place. One story in particular was about Marian and this George running away together to the zoo, getting married in central park, and riding into the sunset on two elephants. Marian wrote down all the stories in a book, along with all her thoughts. Georgia gave it to me before I left. It took me two weeks to muster opening it, but when I did I found a confession in Marian's words of everything Georgia had told me. My heart broke in that moment. I stayed in contact with Georgia and still talk to her once a week. She's become my daughter in a way; she's invited to all the family occasions. I make sure we see each other every Christmas. It gives me a glimpse of Marian as well as an idea of what my life could have been like with Marian, something me and Georgia both need."

With that final sentence George looked deeply into Cassie's eyes and asked "Do you see? If I would have just told her from the beginning how I felt and been courageous we could have all had full lives. Grace, Marian, Georgia, my boys and me. I have hurt all the people I love and care about in my life. I know my boys sensed the strain in me and my wife's relationship. They suffered from a lot of stress that wasn't needed. They didn't understand it had nothing to do with them or Grace. We all could have had full honest lives. There would not have been so much pain."

George seemed to be pleading with Cassie as he said, "Think about what I said. _Really_ think about it. You deserve the very best my girl. The _very_ best!"

With that he put on his cap, grabbed hold of his cane, and stood to leave. He squeezed one of Cassie's hands and gave her a nod goodbye before sauntering off. As soon as Cassie heard the bell, announcing George's exit, tears fell down her face. The longer Cassie sat there the surer she became of what she must do.


End file.
